My Own White Knight in Shining Armour. Part 3 of 3

This will be that last of this kind of blog, lengthy.  :-) 

I want to share some prompts so you can explore your own story.  Need to say that there are a lot of prompts and it will be quite a journey that may occur in several trips.

Thank you to Gayle Bodiene - FB for this image. 

Your White Knight in Shining Armour is you as a whole, including your inner child.  In fact she/he is your strongest asset that you will ever have. 

Narrative Therapy is about telling a story, reflecting on how you see it, your version, no should's, have to's, just as it is for you. 

It considers where some of the beliefs may have come from, school, parents, TV, media etc and then supports a person in 're-authoring' their life in a way that works for them.  Part of the journey involves externalizing not only what appears obvious, eg if anxiety is a challenge then separating that out from ourselves, so you may be Fred (my favourite name) say who happens to experience anxiety, you are not anxiety.  It also externalizes what really is happening for a person and this of course takes time to really get down to what impacts on a person. 

Caveat here - I am so not telling you what Narrative Therapy is, I am only a third of the way through my training.  What I am doing here is picking out the bits that best help you discover, trust, identify your White Knight in Shining Armour. 

OK, I will take the inner critic as a subject, you can use anything.  This inner journey can be emotional and tiring, so please look after yourself with nurturing and compassion.  What you are doing here is getting a real snap shot of your experience, story the inner critic or whatever topic you have chosen and externalizing it.  It is not you, you are you, who has many aspects just a like a crystal. 

If the inner critic (topic) is a challenge for you, it is useful to be really specific about how and in what way.  Write a story and be as explicit as possible in what it may say to you.  How does it say it?  When does it say it? 

How do you respond?  Do you believe it?  What do you do?  How do you feel?  What impact is this having on your life?  Does it affect work, play, relationships, your dreams, who you are?

How do you feel about these developments?  Is this ok for you?  Does it have a negative impact or a positive one, both or neither?  Are these experiences ok with you?

Why do you feel the way that you do?  Why is/isn't this ok with you?  Can you explore a story in your history that could throw some light on why you are perhaps unhappy about this situation?

OK, you may need a break.  You so do not need to do this all in one sitting. 

Writing prompt
I looked out the window and saw (topic) inner critic it was .....
I immediately noticed .....
Inner critic (topic) then .....
What I realised was that inner critic (topic) was .....

Just notice what you notice.

Can you think of a time when you challenged the inner critic?  A time when the inner critic did not want you to do something and you did it anyway, successfully? 

What is this alternative story?  Be really specific, full of details.  When did this occur?  What actually happened?  What did you do?  How did you feel?  Did someone witness this?  What did this mean to you?

How did this align with your values, with who you want to be, with your beliefs about life?  What realisations did you experience?

This would have been a time where you would have allowed the essence of who you are to emerge.  The center of a 'self', expressing purpose, values, beliefs, aspirations, hopes, commitments.  Willfully engaging and embracing life.  Adapted from Micheal White's Maps of Narrative Practice - 2007.

Where in your past have you stood up for yourself against the inner critic.  Think back and again be really specific.  What you are identifying is that you so have what it takes to act in ways that serve you, you have done so many times before. You have challenged the inner critic (topics) before.  We just forget what we do and how successful we were.  We forget how good that felt and and we can access this knowing when we need to. 

What is extremely useful here is to identify a person, whether living or not who has witnessed you standing up to the inner critic.  It may have been even as a child.  Someone who could be a testament for you.  Ask them a question, great if you actually can but if is it not possible then imagine how may they respond if they were asked to share that story with you, me with someone else.  What would they say about you?  How do you think they would feel about you?  How are you feeling?  What would you want to say to them?   What could they say that would support you now with what you are dealing with?  What would they want you to know?  What would you want them to know?

Phew, love and compassion, this is quite a journey.   

This distance you have travelled just in these journal questions is huge.  I want to acknowledge you for that.  So again Michael White (2007) mentions that traversing the gap between the known and familiar to what is possible now is quite a profound journey, a sense of what he calls 'personal agency', a sense of being able to regulate your own life, to affect by your own intentions, which is shaped by your own knowledge, experience of life and skills of living.

You are your own brilliant White Knight in Shining Armour.  Your crystal sparkles wonderfully and brightly and holds many facets, which you can use in your life.

What would be one small beautiful step that you could take now to continue living your life as you see it?   And now I ask, what would be one way that you could acknowledge this journey and celebrate you.   Please do this.  You SO deserve it.

Writing prompt
I looked out the window and saw me, the White Knight in Shining Armour, she/her was .....
I immediately noticed .....
Me, I, the White Knight in Shining Armour then .....
What I realised was that me, I, the White Knight in Shining Armour was .....

White, M (2007).  Maps of Narrative Practice. W W Norton & Company, Inc. New York, England: London

My own White Knight in Shining Armour - Part 2 of 3

Villain - Inner Critic

I would like to introduce you to my villain in my latest story.  This is when funnily enough I had a mixture of emotions and feelings.  I am the villain in the latest story, great that means I can do something it about it right!

Bummer, you mean only I can do something about it.  I cannot blame anyone and here is where the fun continued  my, 'the' (am working on 'the' to externalize it, to make it easier to work with - part 3 of this blog) INNER CRITIC had an absolute ball in really messing with - 'double bind' either way I looked.  I was good because I now had clearer insight and it was bad because I was choosing this then!  You get the picture. 

This is what really hit me, right between the eyes when I wrote the second story.  I was no longer verbalising the 'villian' as an external person.  There is no doubt that at some point in my life as a child the person could be seen as a villain and really did the best they could with what they knew and who they were at the time. 

As an adult it is up to me to look after me and sure I needed to learn how and needed to learn what it looked like and to say I made mistakes is a understatement but I got there and therefore realised that my villain is actually the inner critic who has many costumes, disguises, voices etc, not all bad sounding and looking and is extremely adept at being a chameleon and changing when I get to see it clearly for what it is.  

I would like to introduce you to my White Knight in Shining Armour.  Me!  I do not mean this to sound precocious etc or from ego as I really do have many White Knight's in shining armour, who have come and gone through out my life and some continue with me and I have been so blessed and grateful.

What I mean is that once I gained awareness, had insights. I could honor that I had way more control in my life.  I realised and as with any story there are constant conflicts, battles, which eventually reduce in number and there are no longer battles, perhaps conflicts that are shorter and can be resolved in a much more compassionate way.  I do have to say that I truly believe that life is a journey with twists and turns, ups and downs and will continue to be but the difference is the angst is not as powerful for as long and paralyzing. 

Takes continual wellbeing, having fun, enjoying life, feeling feelings, discernment around what and who works, nurtures, nourishes, strengthens, brings you joy, love and fun.  This is no fairy tale.  I promise you it works.  The thing is, for the 'baby boomers' like me there is absolutely no quick fix.  Small continuous steps, with the challenges, overcoming obstacles, allowing permission to have fun in the process is what it takes and endless compassionate patience and compassion for yourself and others.  

This was a revelation to me and a testament that I had indeed grown from a depth that matters and is a permanent healthy change.  Just like when you plant a seed, no matter how much you want to see what the flowers look like you have to wait.  It needs the weather, time to be nourished, weeded, groomed before it can blossom and then it out grows itself, lets go of bits it no longer requires, experiences the seasons as it must and then blossoms once more, looking different and so it is.  Um, I use to think that was so 'twee' (sorry Louise Hay, she is a very wise lady!) and now I feel it kind of ends something at the same time as stating a new beginning. 

One of my white knights in shining armour.  

I write these blogs when I get to them and am constantly amazed just how much they bring me to a place of clarity, acceptance and gratitude.  

They are definitely a living breathing in the moment journal.  

Can I ask you who is a person who wants the best for you?  If you have such a person, can you imagine what would be one thing that they would say to you right now to help you believe in yourself for just 15 seconds?

If this is hard for you, what would be one thing you would say to someone you care about to help them start to believe in themselves for 15 seconds? 

Write that down if you wish and then say that to yourself.

You so have what it takes to succeed in your life in a way that is real to you, your version not anyone else's story or fairy tale.

Oooh my inner critic "How many pictures of you????!!!!!! 

White Knight - "I know, wow, finally I get that I own me. 

Thanks for the reminder."  :-)

High Five

My own White Knight in Shining Armour - Part 1 of 3

About 3 maybe 4 years ago I completed this really cool little workbook from Janet Whitehead, Musings and Mud. It was called "The Demise of Noshud Hafta". It prompted you to complete a “story of a hero in pursuit of a dream, a villain who interferes, and the inevitable confrontation.” I loved the prompts and enjoyed doing it and found it revealing and it certainly helped me. I had forgotten about this until I wrote my journal a few days ago, this time prompts were from a different source – a Visual Journalling book – Going Deep than Words, Barbara Ganim & Susan Fox.


I am fortunate to be a third way through a Post Grad Diploma in Counselling, Narrative Therapy, which is all about ‘your’ story and where we get the ideas of the story we live from. What impact this has on us, belief’s etc. It also externalizes whatever the problem/issue is, believing in the person, the problem/issue is the problem/issue, not the person. Anyway, this is of course informs all I do and raises awareness.

What I realised as I wrote this other story was that in my previous story the villain was a person and I really did have a little of that magical thinking. Not exactly the Knight in Shining armour coming to rescue me, eg something out there would be the answer, well kind of. When I wrote the story I really was in the fairyland story, which was great. I LOVE metaphor, stories, they enable so much, not only insights but also strategies etc and they are really quite fun and allow the imagination to run wild, if we allow it.

What I realise in my current story is that in fact the villain if you like, even the language ‘the villain’, not ‘my’ villain was clearly identified as an inner critic and not so much a big bad villain just belief’s, perceptions etc that really are not serving me. I was so surprised to see that I was now able to let go of the who, which enabled me to deal with externalizing, whether that be a who, an inner critic, a belief that no longer serves me, does not matter because when you can name it, see it more clearly then you can see what you have control over, what you do not and certainly learn the wisdom to know the difference.

What I realise over the last few years since my first story, is that I have been able to grasp more of a balance of the story, as it truly exists and to understand, having more empathy, compassion and also forgiveness. I have also realised that only I could do whatever needed to be done. I am my own hero in my story, I am the White Knight in Shining armour, having said that, there is no way I would be writing this now had it not been for all the love and support from others and actually using everything I advocate for, everything I use in my coach practice, I have experienced.

This will be the first of three blogs, somehow it feels that it needs to be that. I want to write the second about my villain now, naming it, externalizing it, so then identifying some strategies to work with it, alongside it, whilst leading my life the way I see it. In the third, I would like to amalgamate some of the training of narrative therapy, storytelling in a creativity, coaching way – um I feel like I will create an ebook with this.

I would like to finish with saying that no matter what your story is, it needs to be seen, heard, most importantly by you. It really does not matter what metaphors you use, how you see it. No judgment, just playing, imagination, no rules, break the rules, go on an adventure. It helps to externalize it then you have something to work with, so once upon a time …..

Perspective - Inner Critic, Gremlins

Yesterday I wrote on face book about being affected by inner critics, which really zapped my energy and man I was there.  I mentioned a couple of things that I did to help.

I did feel a little better, however my goodness talk about getting a 'rain check'.  I had a few lessons that just appeared!!!  Firstly I heard that someone I really care about has just found out that she has to have 15 months of chemotherapy - um.  You can guess that immediately it put things into perspective.  Then I heard about someones history and was shocked what they had experience and who they were despite, because of this. 

At this point I really was suddenly not thinking about me and how I was feeling and was so in gratitude for my health and my life, immediately and in awe of the human spirit for both of these people. 

I did plod on and do some things I needed to do. I also definitely employed - that what I did was good enough and it is.  I then met a friend to celebrate her birthday at 6 pm.  Honestly being distracted and especially with someone you care about, really, really worked, instantly.  All these messages are telling me so much.  The place we initially planned to go to was closed as was many in Whangarei on a Sunday evening - haha.  We ended up going to an Indian Restaurant called Shiraz, which was  lovely.  Really enjoyed it.

We then went to the 'Old Library' to see a play.  I was not sure what it was about.  It was called The Intricacies of Caring'.  It was excellent.  2 young men played all the characters.  Basically they were young men who spent time in the each one's bedroom, drinking, smoking and just really wasting away.  A friend of theirs commits suicide at 21 and this starts to change things for them. 

They go on a kind of road trip in NZ to a place called Jerusalem and it is about their explorations of life, each other and their family.  Honestly. I so needed reminded to listen and hear the messages.  I had a lovely evening and felt blessed to be there.

When I got home I could not believe that I had so many messages that reminded me about what really matters and whilst I do not want to discount the gremlins, inner critics as they do have an impact, I was totally surprised how quickly I could change not only what I was thinking but also how I felt when I heard about the others, which demonstrates that I have that capacity. 

I am not sure what I am trying to say here because I totally believe in compassion, experiencing all our emotions and hands up to this being a working progress, but I guess it is about really listening to what works for us and doing that.  My previous attempts was to still work through what I was doing, which initially was the structure, process and paperwork for coaching, plodding on and I kept having the thought, 'man I really seem to be in the depths today, but I am not going to let it stop me.'

Sometimes I think I can think too much and some of these thoughts could be habit.  I do believe they are around because I am stepping up and love my life so much and allow myself to express who I am in my coaching even more and in general, so this can get challenged, which means I am on track.  Having said that perspective really did make a difference and having a distraction was amazing, whether that be creativity, activity, someone else's incredible story, predicament, what ever it is, can so help also. 

Don't you just love that we all just keep learning.  I meet amazing people and I am sure we all do and honestly it really does remind me what being human really means.  We are so powerful, more than we can imagine and yet most of us still play it small.   We are incredible.