Celebrate Completion - Counselling Course Wahoo!

We got to celebrate the completion of our Counselling Course on Friday/Saturday.  Part of this completion has to take place on a Marae, where we follow Maori protocols.  This was our shared bedroom at night with the mattresses either side.  During the day we listened to a fabulous teacher on cross cultural boundaries, relationships, working together.  We got to share with each other and acknowledge our journey and our achievement. 

I cannot believe it has been 18 months but we did it.  I am so grateful for so many reasons and not only to the people who supported our learning and walked along side but also to John and friends who have been so understanding and supportive. Thank you so much.  We get to graduate formally on April 9th 2014. 

My Own White Knight in Shining Armour. Part 3 of 3

This will be that last of this kind of blog, lengthy.  :-) 

I want to share some prompts so you can explore your own story.  Need to say that there are a lot of prompts and it will be quite a journey that may occur in several trips.

Thank you to Gayle Bodiene - FB for this image. 

Your White Knight in Shining Armour is you as a whole, including your inner child.  In fact she/he is your strongest asset that you will ever have. 

Narrative Therapy is about telling a story, reflecting on how you see it, your version, no should's, have to's, just as it is for you. 

It considers where some of the beliefs may have come from, school, parents, TV, media etc and then supports a person in 're-authoring' their life in a way that works for them.  Part of the journey involves externalizing not only what appears obvious, eg if anxiety is a challenge then separating that out from ourselves, so you may be Fred (my favourite name) say who happens to experience anxiety, you are not anxiety.  It also externalizes what really is happening for a person and this of course takes time to really get down to what impacts on a person. 

Caveat here - I am so not telling you what Narrative Therapy is, I am only a third of the way through my training.  What I am doing here is picking out the bits that best help you discover, trust, identify your White Knight in Shining Armour. 

OK, I will take the inner critic as a subject, you can use anything.  This inner journey can be emotional and tiring, so please look after yourself with nurturing and compassion.  What you are doing here is getting a real snap shot of your experience, story the inner critic or whatever topic you have chosen and externalizing it.  It is not you, you are you, who has many aspects just a like a crystal. 

If the inner critic (topic) is a challenge for you, it is useful to be really specific about how and in what way.  Write a story and be as explicit as possible in what it may say to you.  How does it say it?  When does it say it? 

How do you respond?  Do you believe it?  What do you do?  How do you feel?  What impact is this having on your life?  Does it affect work, play, relationships, your dreams, who you are?

How do you feel about these developments?  Is this ok for you?  Does it have a negative impact or a positive one, both or neither?  Are these experiences ok with you?

Why do you feel the way that you do?  Why is/isn't this ok with you?  Can you explore a story in your history that could throw some light on why you are perhaps unhappy about this situation?

OK, you may need a break.  You so do not need to do this all in one sitting. 

Writing prompt
I looked out the window and saw (topic) inner critic it was .....
I immediately noticed .....
Inner critic (topic) then .....
What I realised was that inner critic (topic) was .....

Just notice what you notice.

Can you think of a time when you challenged the inner critic?  A time when the inner critic did not want you to do something and you did it anyway, successfully? 

What is this alternative story?  Be really specific, full of details.  When did this occur?  What actually happened?  What did you do?  How did you feel?  Did someone witness this?  What did this mean to you?

How did this align with your values, with who you want to be, with your beliefs about life?  What realisations did you experience?

This would have been a time where you would have allowed the essence of who you are to emerge.  The center of a 'self', expressing purpose, values, beliefs, aspirations, hopes, commitments.  Willfully engaging and embracing life.  Adapted from Micheal White's Maps of Narrative Practice - 2007.

Where in your past have you stood up for yourself against the inner critic.  Think back and again be really specific.  What you are identifying is that you so have what it takes to act in ways that serve you, you have done so many times before. You have challenged the inner critic (topics) before.  We just forget what we do and how successful we were.  We forget how good that felt and and we can access this knowing when we need to. 

What is extremely useful here is to identify a person, whether living or not who has witnessed you standing up to the inner critic.  It may have been even as a child.  Someone who could be a testament for you.  Ask them a question, great if you actually can but if is it not possible then imagine how may they respond if they were asked to share that story with you, me with someone else.  What would they say about you?  How do you think they would feel about you?  How are you feeling?  What would you want to say to them?   What could they say that would support you now with what you are dealing with?  What would they want you to know?  What would you want them to know?

Phew, love and compassion, this is quite a journey.   

This distance you have travelled just in these journal questions is huge.  I want to acknowledge you for that.  So again Michael White (2007) mentions that traversing the gap between the known and familiar to what is possible now is quite a profound journey, a sense of what he calls 'personal agency', a sense of being able to regulate your own life, to affect by your own intentions, which is shaped by your own knowledge, experience of life and skills of living.

You are your own brilliant White Knight in Shining Armour.  Your crystal sparkles wonderfully and brightly and holds many facets, which you can use in your life.

What would be one small beautiful step that you could take now to continue living your life as you see it?   And now I ask, what would be one way that you could acknowledge this journey and celebrate you.   Please do this.  You SO deserve it.

Writing prompt
I looked out the window and saw me, the White Knight in Shining Armour, she/her was .....
I immediately noticed .....
Me, I, the White Knight in Shining Armour then .....
What I realised was that me, I, the White Knight in Shining Armour was .....

White, M (2007).  Maps of Narrative Practice. W W Norton & Company, Inc. New York, England: London

My own White Knight in Shining Armour - Part 2 of 3

Villain - Inner Critic

I would like to introduce you to my villain in my latest story.  This is when funnily enough I had a mixture of emotions and feelings.  I am the villain in the latest story, great that means I can do something it about it right!

Bummer, you mean only I can do something about it.  I cannot blame anyone and here is where the fun continued  my, 'the' (am working on 'the' to externalize it, to make it easier to work with - part 3 of this blog) INNER CRITIC had an absolute ball in really messing with - 'double bind' either way I looked.  I was good because I now had clearer insight and it was bad because I was choosing this then!  You get the picture. 

This is what really hit me, right between the eyes when I wrote the second story.  I was no longer verbalising the 'villian' as an external person.  There is no doubt that at some point in my life as a child the person could be seen as a villain and really did the best they could with what they knew and who they were at the time. 

As an adult it is up to me to look after me and sure I needed to learn how and needed to learn what it looked like and to say I made mistakes is a understatement but I got there and therefore realised that my villain is actually the inner critic who has many costumes, disguises, voices etc, not all bad sounding and looking and is extremely adept at being a chameleon and changing when I get to see it clearly for what it is.  

I would like to introduce you to my White Knight in Shining Armour.  Me!  I do not mean this to sound precocious etc or from ego as I really do have many White Knight's in shining armour, who have come and gone through out my life and some continue with me and I have been so blessed and grateful.

What I mean is that once I gained awareness, had insights. I could honor that I had way more control in my life.  I realised and as with any story there are constant conflicts, battles, which eventually reduce in number and there are no longer battles, perhaps conflicts that are shorter and can be resolved in a much more compassionate way.  I do have to say that I truly believe that life is a journey with twists and turns, ups and downs and will continue to be but the difference is the angst is not as powerful for as long and paralyzing. 

Takes continual wellbeing, having fun, enjoying life, feeling feelings, discernment around what and who works, nurtures, nourishes, strengthens, brings you joy, love and fun.  This is no fairy tale.  I promise you it works.  The thing is, for the 'baby boomers' like me there is absolutely no quick fix.  Small continuous steps, with the challenges, overcoming obstacles, allowing permission to have fun in the process is what it takes and endless compassionate patience and compassion for yourself and others.  

This was a revelation to me and a testament that I had indeed grown from a depth that matters and is a permanent healthy change.  Just like when you plant a seed, no matter how much you want to see what the flowers look like you have to wait.  It needs the weather, time to be nourished, weeded, groomed before it can blossom and then it out grows itself, lets go of bits it no longer requires, experiences the seasons as it must and then blossoms once more, looking different and so it is.  Um, I use to think that was so 'twee' (sorry Louise Hay, she is a very wise lady!) and now I feel it kind of ends something at the same time as stating a new beginning. 

One of my white knights in shining armour.  

I write these blogs when I get to them and am constantly amazed just how much they bring me to a place of clarity, acceptance and gratitude.  

They are definitely a living breathing in the moment journal.  

Can I ask you who is a person who wants the best for you?  If you have such a person, can you imagine what would be one thing that they would say to you right now to help you believe in yourself for just 15 seconds?

If this is hard for you, what would be one thing you would say to someone you care about to help them start to believe in themselves for 15 seconds? 

Write that down if you wish and then say that to yourself.

You so have what it takes to succeed in your life in a way that is real to you, your version not anyone else's story or fairy tale.

Oooh my inner critic "How many pictures of you????!!!!!! 

White Knight - "I know, wow, finally I get that I own me. 

Thanks for the reminder."  :-)

High Five

Reflections 2012 - no New Year's Resolutions - just wonderful intentions to continue to be fulfilled

That time of year already, reflections of 2012.  I asked myself the following questions in my journal this morning and wondered if they would be useful to you.

1. What are you most proud of?  I have so many things and I am grateful for that.  One of them is that I have allowed myself to take time out and have fun.  Do things 'small and crappy' (thank you Rae Warde - Kaizen Muse Creativity Coach extraordinaire), which has allowed me to achieve way more than I could ever have imagined.   I certainly have felt the fear and done it anyway in so many ways. 

2. What has been  most meaningful to you?  I guess doing the ARTbundance Coach training this year and finally everything I have ever done in my coach training, experiences, life etc have all come together in a way that I can truly express and use it creatively.  I feel as if I have truly arrived, especially with now doing the post grad diploma in counselling - narrative therapy.  I feel I will have so much to offer others and keep them safe.  I want to work with others who hurt and undermine themselves with food as a way of surviving. 

What has been really meaningful has been the love, support from the amazing people who are part of Artella, ARTbundance, MMM - Mapping and Mentoring with Marney, Kaizen Muse Creativity Coaches, people who have believed in me when I have not believed in myself at times.  They truly have inspired me and literally carried me through some small steps.  The power of like minded people is tremendous as are people who think differently because they open up a whole plethora of questions, considerations etc which can be just as valuable.  I am so blessed with the people around me. 

I asked many questions and I like this little formula here.  (If anyone would like further prompts for reflections, please do not hesitate to let me know).

Traffic Light Formula - I cannot remember where I saw it first, do not think I came up with it myself and would like to thank that person or people.

For 2013

Red - what would be 1 - 3 things that you could stop doing, that no longer serves you.  Can be a tiny, small thing. 

Yellow - what are 1 - 3 things that would be worth you continuing with?  It could be something really minor but actually works for you or it may be something that you started in 2012 and have decided that you like it so much you are going to continue with.

Green - what are 1 - 3 things that you would like to start doing that would bring you pleasure, be all about you?  Could be starting with 2 - 5 minutes of what you love to do and if you do not know, finding it out.  If you have fun and play in your life I promise you, with all my heart that if you start to do this you will be amazed at the ripple effects. 

You may decide to make a time just for you.  Have a lunch break at least 3 times a week.  Play with the kids more.  Have someone play with the kids so you can play.  Plant something you love.  Start a new class. Stop doing so many classes.  Do something you love to do and have not done for a while.

Now as a coach, I feel like I am supposed to say that you could sign up with me etc but honestly, you can start so small and I promise you it will impact on everything.  If you follow your bliss, your energy, your passion and start challenging the 'shoulds' you will notice the difference.  Compassion and patience are key.  Try it you have nothing to lose.

So my answers:

Red - stop believing the inner critic.  No that is unrealistic, I can raise my awareness to the messages and at the same time think of a compassionate comeback, anchor KMCC (TM), like Phinspire (my new business  name - launch February), what kind of name is that, it's stupid, no one is going to know what that means - comeback AND anchor, um, I guess not all will but I just love it and it feels so right so there we have it!  And so it is, as Louise Hay would say.  I honestly have been working with that particular message for a few days. 

Yellow - I am definitely going to keep on trusting my intuition and strengthening it through creativity and mindful, balance - knowing my choices, creating the belief I need/want to follow through on my decisions that work for me.

Green - be bolder in my practice, develop workshops and coaching using creativity, utilising the dolphin energy, diving deep to truths and bursting through life's waves - my tag line and I believe in it 100%.   Haha, is that bold or what? 

So here's to you for 2013.  I would encourage you to play with how it would feel if you chose intentions for 2013 just for you, acting as if you did not care what others thought.  I know it sounds radical but as long as you are not hurting anyone you will be surprised just how much this will support you creating the life you deserve and makes you way more fun to be with others too.  It only needs to be a small, small step consistently practiced.  You end up being of 'service' if you like in an incredible, healthy, wellbeing kind of way.  You have nothing to lose by giving it a go and just playing, see what happens.  Have fun.

Wishing you a New Year where you get to be you.  Happy New Year!

My own White Knight in Shining Armour - Part 1 of 3

About 3 maybe 4 years ago I completed this really cool little workbook from Janet Whitehead, Musings and Mud. It was called "The Demise of Noshud Hafta". It prompted you to complete a “story of a hero in pursuit of a dream, a villain who interferes, and the inevitable confrontation.” I loved the prompts and enjoyed doing it and found it revealing and it certainly helped me. I had forgotten about this until I wrote my journal a few days ago, this time prompts were from a different source – a Visual Journalling book – Going Deep than Words, Barbara Ganim & Susan Fox.


I am fortunate to be a third way through a Post Grad Diploma in Counselling, Narrative Therapy, which is all about ‘your’ story and where we get the ideas of the story we live from. What impact this has on us, belief’s etc. It also externalizes whatever the problem/issue is, believing in the person, the problem/issue is the problem/issue, not the person. Anyway, this is of course informs all I do and raises awareness.

What I realised as I wrote this other story was that in my previous story the villain was a person and I really did have a little of that magical thinking. Not exactly the Knight in Shining armour coming to rescue me, eg something out there would be the answer, well kind of. When I wrote the story I really was in the fairyland story, which was great. I LOVE metaphor, stories, they enable so much, not only insights but also strategies etc and they are really quite fun and allow the imagination to run wild, if we allow it.

What I realise in my current story is that in fact the villain if you like, even the language ‘the villain’, not ‘my’ villain was clearly identified as an inner critic and not so much a big bad villain just belief’s, perceptions etc that really are not serving me. I was so surprised to see that I was now able to let go of the who, which enabled me to deal with externalizing, whether that be a who, an inner critic, a belief that no longer serves me, does not matter because when you can name it, see it more clearly then you can see what you have control over, what you do not and certainly learn the wisdom to know the difference.

What I realise over the last few years since my first story, is that I have been able to grasp more of a balance of the story, as it truly exists and to understand, having more empathy, compassion and also forgiveness. I have also realised that only I could do whatever needed to be done. I am my own hero in my story, I am the White Knight in Shining armour, having said that, there is no way I would be writing this now had it not been for all the love and support from others and actually using everything I advocate for, everything I use in my coach practice, I have experienced.

This will be the first of three blogs, somehow it feels that it needs to be that. I want to write the second about my villain now, naming it, externalizing it, so then identifying some strategies to work with it, alongside it, whilst leading my life the way I see it. In the third, I would like to amalgamate some of the training of narrative therapy, storytelling in a creativity, coaching way – um I feel like I will create an ebook with this.

I would like to finish with saying that no matter what your story is, it needs to be seen, heard, most importantly by you. It really does not matter what metaphors you use, how you see it. No judgment, just playing, imagination, no rules, break the rules, go on an adventure. It helps to externalize it then you have something to work with, so once upon a time …..