Authenticity, Vulnerability, Courage, Transition, Compassion

What a week it has been!  I am in transition from being an almost full time student to creating the new life that I desire, which looks something like, work 4 days a week, other stuff 3 days a week.  Now I have to say I can hardly call work, work because I love, love, love what I do and am so blessed. 

I will be working 2 days a week for the next 2 weeks as a school counsellor and the other 2 days are going to be for coaching, supervision, doing adult education classes, creating an on line business and anything else like that.  I have a number of workshops in the pipeline and would imagine doing most of them at a weekend, not every weekend. 

On a Friday will be my day, where I will be hooking up with a friend every second  Friday to do creative stuff and just do stuff for me.  This is a very new, creative development in my life and it is much harder to be with this then I ever imagined but I am a determined soul once I get it, once I know my value and it is connected to my passion.  The Saturday, Sunday may involve some workshops, definitely time with my husband, walks, kayaking, maybe some jobs around the garden together, reading, whatever.  Great plan!!! 

I keep creating preliminary plans and change them, knowing it is a working progress but I did not expect what I am experiencing.  I spent sometime figuring out facebook so that we had a personal one, mainly so we can connect with the grandkids and let our friends/family know what we are up to.  Not very exciting for a coaching page but perhaps ok for a personal page.  I needed to put times in to answer emails, follow up on interesting stuff, do my exercises, journalling, meditations and have to say, it sounds a bit much but really a lot of this is possible when I lower the expectations and frequencies.

Now here lies a huge challenge and I believe I have this awareness because of the Gifts of Imperfection course with Brene Brown.  "Authencity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are."  From her book, page 50. This has been far bigger than I ever realised.  I am fortunate to care about some amazing people in my life who I have met, not in person and mean so much to me and I value them and their presence.  I realise that to 'live' a life of authenticity I cannot show up in the way I used to and want to, need to show up now in different ways that are scarey, uncomfortable, I may hurt, offend people.  I want it all.  I want to live my wonderful balanced life that involves all the other things too. 

So in this transitioning, I am just learning how to do this and what if I mess up?  "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen, page 55.  I am a recovering perfectionist and Brene Brown gives some excellent descriptions of what this means, news to me and very enlightening and true for me.

To create this wonderful life that I am so worthy of as are you, it means that I need to work less and I mean really less compared to what I used to do.  There is no way I can produce at the same volume when I want to have this incredible journey, go to bed at 8.30 am ish and read, sleep at 9.30 am. Wake at 6 am, meditate, journal, creatively sometimes. I have made a commitment to the students I work with, the people I coach and share things with to look after myself to be the best that I can be and this is what it looks like and this promise helps me so much. How wonderful.  Then what is my struggle? At the moment I am comparing my 'work' self to now and also as a student, man I worked hard, seriously night and day, weekends and now I dont have to do that and I feel slack, lazy, like I should, should what?

I only feel lazy when I allow the thoughts that suggest ponder too long, when I go back to the amazing investment, impact it makes on me and my practice then I remind myself that this is so worth it.  Last quote from Brene's book, p 59 and we all so need this.  "A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day.  A string of such moments can change the course of your life."  Christopher K Germer.   This truly is getting me through and I keep telling myself I am only learning.  I have the training wheels on my bike for a short time.  This is just new and unfamiliar and anyone who knows me, knows that I try my best and I would never hurt anyone intentionally.  I am so blessed.  So please if you are trying things that are new or wanting to be more of you, please, please give yourself heaps of compassion and honestly I so recommend the life class through Oprah, The Gifts of Imperfection with Brene Brown, just 6 weeks and wow!

Oh, the picture.  I was doing one of her exercises on numbing and comfort and this was from a collage I did on What's the difference between numbing and comfort?  "I feel lighter when I accept how I feel and rise above to gain clear view.  When I need to feel discomfort I let thehot air out!"  I do feel that the clear view, different perspective really helps too.