What a few days. I have literally been a space cadet for 5 1/2 days, out of nowhere - I am not kidding. Tuesday evening I had just met with a lovely collaborator around a potential after school programme for girls aged 13 - 15. I felt tired but just fine and thought I would use the warmth and aroma of fresh cotton linen from a candle I had lit in my gorgeous coaching room and did some meditation, which took about 30 minutes. By the time I left the room and walked up approximately 15 steps, I was so cold from the inside out, my bones felt cold. I was shivering, my whole body ached, I had a sore head. I promise it was as if a switched had been flicked and I reacted.
My husband and I were really quite surprised. I then experienced cold clammy sweats and hot sweats, this continued throughout the night. The following day was the same and the day after, which was Friday. Surely today would be a better day, only slightly this time the paracetamol stopped working and now I was left with a sore head that continued until Sunday, today, I then moved to a stronger analgesic and now for the first time since Tuesday evening am free of pain and just feel spaced out, literally, light headed, not quite grounded but much better.
I looked at my wellbeing, well I should be practicing what I am preaching right!! I had just completed a Wellbeing Muse to motivate me to practice the things that enable me to live a balanced life with joy, fun, creativity and be resilient to all life events. When I say resilient, I do mean to experience them, to have the all emotions not just the yummy, cute ones. Most of all this prepares me and teaches me to be totally present with anyone I am with. Great motivation!! It matters - you can get the picture.
So why then am I so 'floored'? I get up do a wee prayer, the gratitude thing, meditate - that counts for something. I was eating fairly well, drinking water, well maybe not so much water in the last 2 - 3 weeks, I usually exercise every single day even if it is 20 mins, well maybe not so much in the last 2 - 3 weeks - WHAT!!! (Saying that out loud!) I was not drinking each night at least 2 glasses of wine sometimes more in the last 1 - 2 weeks, maybe I was - oops.
Now I am not suggesting that anyone who is unwell bought it on themselves, well in some cases maybe, eg eating, drinking excessively, not exercising, burnt out, the body will stop us one way or another. What I was noticing was a difference in me, when according to Liz, life is pretty good and my wellbeing has been the best it has ever been, so what is going on? I am learning to connect with my body, listen to her, become accustomed to her and feel that we have been doing really very well. Having said that I think my antennae was tuned in to space cadet city.
As I back tracked, I had been counselling but not as much. I do have a new gratitude book and that has been great. Then I started to realise I am leaving Occupational Therapy in June 26th. I have been an OT since 1995 and loved my role, with only a hiccup in 2004. It has been my biggest identity. I am a Life Coach also and this is not so accepted, definitely not as a Profession as is OT. Ok so that is a challenge. I will be working with 11 - 12 year olds in schools around a programme called Y's Girls, which is about a fun active and creative programme designed specially by the YWCA. It aims to support positive peer relationships, positive body image and health lifestyles. This was never on my agenda and how lucky I am to have this opportunity. Up until 3 months ago I was really quite scared of this age group, not now.
In July I will start a post grad counselling course - narrative therapy and my whole focus is work with with people who have disordered eating and combine this with coaching and creative therapies. It took me years and years to give myself permission. Not only that the reason I made myself give up the safety of the OT harbour (ships are meant to sail) is that I truly wanted to challenge myself with my coaching, I wanted to get out there, have fun, share so many ideas with others and finally allow myself to also reach as many people as I could with Nourish to Flourish - Body Positive Coaching, all about living life from the inside out.
Phew as I sit here at 4.30 pm Sunday afternoon, still experiencing shivers, cold sweats at the moment. I think WHAT! I am not done. Now this is from someone who recently did a 6 week Wellbeing and Mindfulness Green Coaching programme at an Adult Education Establishment - oh dear, just switched to hot flushes!! Haha, is this not hilarious? Where is all this balance stuff, which does not mean equal measures of everything, it means considering a few aspects of ourselves.
I also had a list of projects I had wanted to do for my coaching, there is a lot of work to be done. I have been training as an ARTbundance creativity coach and working on certification which has been fantastic, honestly just love it and so much to look forward to. There is not one thing that I do at the moment that I don't love - ahhhhh. There's the thing a few years ago I did not even know what my passion was. I love and am passionate about everything I do. I have found it harder to say no and manage, without realising. It has become easier to be say no around things that are not for my highest good or purpose. I never considered for a moment that this would have been a challenge. Don't you just love light bulb moments?
Oopsy, me a life coach, me an Occupational Therapist who supervisors others and works in rehab, me who teaches wellbeing, mindfulness, balance - no cannot be I would be a phony if that were me, surely, surely you have to not be human and do everything by the book, you have to get it right so you can prove to others that they can live this amazing life that you most of the time do, so they can know that someones else life was so messed up and look at what they have achieved, so have hope, trust, have hope that you can create the life you want right! The thing is you so can and I did, right up until this point, well a few hours ago when it really hit me.
I have been so unrealistic about what I can do. I love everything I do so much that I never thought for a moment I would need to say no to stuff, to trust that enough is enough and that is ok, to trust that there will always be opportunity, to trust, give permission, have compassion to be a regular normal human being. Nooo, I am a role model, aren't I? I am a phony, aren't I? I am so blessed to be a human being and contrary to being a phony for the first time truly with a 100% of me, right now at 50 and a little bit I am getting I am the real deal, me the real deal, with all the flaws? Now I question that 'flaws'.
I was doing the best I knew with what I had at the time. Makes is a bit hard to swallow especially being in this field for nearly 20 years and really only just getting it now. My intellect got it by my wee inner being not quite, actually she probably did but not my wee inner child. Was I connected to who I am? You bet, at times. Did did I listen? You bet at times. Did I get confused about the messages? You bet at times. Now I get wow, I have been 'floored' and I am not joking for 5 1/2 days. I have cancelled events and people and feel bad about that but it was necessary. If you had said to me Liz I want you to take 5 1/2 days off, there is no way on this planet I thought it would have been possible, unless I was laid up. Hello planet - universe. Why do we want until our body's say, enough already and then stops us in our tracks?
Now I only have a bug thank goodness. I have been so grateful for my health and cannot imagine for one moment what it must be like for people who suffer so much ill health. I feel that I have been so blessed with a tiny reality check of being the 'real deal', a human being and honestly what a frigging relief. Jeez, I had no idea of what I was doing to myself, maybe I did actually and did not listen. Now this will help me, my coaching, all I do and my aim in life is to support others to feel good enough, gain a sense of balance from the inside out and value themselves as human beings and ride the waves of life knowing this.
Sometimes the ride will be exhilarating, fun, sometimes terrifying and other times it will hardly be noticeable but we can experience all of the emotions of what is to come, we can learn to trust our body compass and we can so jump off at a lagoon somewhere, a resort or have a picnic on the bank. I have been camped up for a few days and the river of life still awaits me.
I am back on track to enjoy and be more in the moment and I of course will hit fog, mist, rapids, stillness and loose my way but nothing like this and if I do, maybe I can compassionately accept that I have been given an amazing opportunity to hide out a little in the cave, recuperate and be in the space to let things happen. What I know is that when you come out things change. I have only been out for 5 1/2 days and what a difference. I also know I can make choices on my journey and not need to have to be made to take time out. Worth a thought, don't you think?
So, can I ask if you have been saying to yourself, if I was ill or had a few days of sick ......, be very careful because you may get this in a way you were not expecting. If you feel this is a way out for you right now, then please, please listen to yourself and trust yourself and do what ever it takes to look after yourself. Once you give yourself permission you can do anything, anything. You will be and are the 'real deal' too and be proud.
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